Kinky people –those who sex it up in ways that may not be your cup of tea– offer us in the vanilla world a fab model for getting what you want. And avoiding what you don’t want. (You don’t need a dungeon to try this out!)
Before they get busy, kinksters make direct statements like “I want you to touch me and tease my body everywhere except my genitals.” Have you ever been that bold? They also ask questions like “Can I use my mouth on you?” The bottom line is that both people understand and agree on the boundaries that make each of you feel comfortable and safe.
It may be difficult for you to figure out exactly what your boundaries are. Think about a time when you were upset by a sexual experience. Have you ever had a partner press their body on yor too forcefully or quickly? If so, make a direct request expressed as an action. For example, you might say, “I’d like you to stroke my forearms and hands the way you might if I were a cat” or “I’d love to have you gently kiss the back of my neck.”
Be explicit about this: “When I’m ready, I’ll move closer” or “I’ll kiss you on the lips. Is that okay with you?” Both people agree or renegotiate, especially on time limits, which helps to solidify your expectations.
You will want to ask about allergies or places you really don’t want to be touched. (Allergy info is essential if you’ll feed one another a food or use scents.) Make it crystal clear that you can ask for a pause or to stop any time you feel uncomfortable.
To build arousal and maintain comfortable boundaries: Experiment with Sensation Play!
Briefly, sensation play –especially when using a blindfold– awakens the senses through a combination of textures, scents, sounds and, even, taste. To create your kit, look for items that offer the broadest variety of sensations. Examples include a scarf, feather, fork, pebbles, body brush, toothbrush or emery board (great when used gently on nipples!). At a 99 cent store, you can find “pervertibles,” common household items you can put to sexy use. Recently, a friend experimented using things from the forest: moss, a fern and sticks to use as drums. Of course, your hands can stroke, pinch or scratch. (Most people LOVE a back or head scratch.)
Here are tips from a pro:
Besides a blindfold, headphones intensify the receiver’s experience. Try noise canceling headphone or you can sync your touch to the music beat. A splitter, which plays the same music in the receiver’s headphones that you hear in the room, takes the receiver more deeply into sensation. Those experienced in bondage safety might tie the receiver. I recommend that beginners apply psychological bondage, saying, “If you reach to touch me, I’ll move away and the fun will stop.”
Slow, sensual music without words (or without words in the receiver’s native language) maintain sensuality, rather than rockin out to the tunes. Drag soft implements slowly across parts of the body, so slowly you worry the receiver will be bored. Not so! For the receiver the feeling is incredibly sensual.
Keep the receiver guessing by varying the sensation, poky, ticklish, cool, hot. Vary your pattern of how down one leg, then up the arm, around the neck, reaching across the body to gently pinch one bit of flesh. You might weave long, slow strokes with warm oil between sensation toys.
Those experienced in bondage safety could tie up the receiver’s hands or legs. However, I recommend that beginners apply psychological bondage, saying, “If you reach to touch me, I’ll move away and the fun will stop.”
Bring in the scent of an essential oil or flower. If the receiver gives permission for genital touch, touch lightly, tease and leave, returning occasionally to stoke the fire. To finish, with the receiver still blindfolded, you might offer a bite of a strawberry or chocolate.